- Lounge around in bed all day – Easy, I’ve been doing that all my life!
- Eat and drink unsuitable or inappropriate things in worrying quantities – Yep, I’ve always had an ‘eat first, ask questions later’ policy and quality is always second to quantity in my book.
- Develop your own distinctive style of dress – there’s nothing wrong with my bandanas and coats...usually...
- Don’t listen to anything ‘Them Indoors’ say as clearly they know nothing – No problem there then!
- Equally, don’t be seen with them in public as they are Soooooooo embarrassing, clearly – A bit tricky as I’m on a lead, but I can usually manage to walk in front or lag behind.
- Develop a taste for beer – Again, I’m okay here. Pass me the bottle ‘Him Indoors’.
- Don’t talk in whole sentences, instead grunt and use monosyllables – A talking dog, don’t be ridiculous, and I guess ‘Woof’ is a monosyllable anyway.
- Stay glued to your ‘phone/i-pad/laptop so that you don’t miss anything on social media – I’m a bit of a Twitter fan since discovering the BT Posse in February although I have to share the equipment with ‘Her Indoors’ which is a bit of a nuisance. I hope Santa Paws is paying attention....
So that’s it, I qualify without having to make any adjustments to my life style or behaviour. All I need to do now is to find myself a girlfriend, ideally one who adores me and that ‘Them Indoors’ like but who I’m not that bothered about, or one that I adore but ‘Them Indoors’ don’t care for much and who doesn’t reciprocate my affections. Sorted! Now how old do I have to be before I can learn to drive....
How long until I 'kill' the rabbit?