Sunday, 19 February 2017

Mad, bad and dangerous to know....

Surely not.....!
I think it would be fair to say that I'm not a terribly well-behaved dog. It's not that I haven't been trained, it's just that I don't see the point in doing as I'm told unless there is something in it for me. Breaking the rules is far more interesting than obeying them, and after all, even if I upset 'Them Indoors', what's the worst that can happen...?

As a connoisseur and practitioner of naughty behaviour, I think misdemeanours fall into two categories: the major and the minor. The major requires opportunity, quick reactions and a certain fearlessness. I would list activities such as squeezing through a gap in the fence and chasing next doors chickens; squeezing through another gap in a different fence into a different next door garden and eating a dead bunny, then regurgitating it in instalments through the following night; nipping into the shed during a family barbecue and munching my way through half a packet of pelleted chicken manure and then bringing it back up just as the main course was being served; digging up and eating all the pelleted chicken manure when 'Him Indoors' had buried it for the plants, eating daffodil bulbs and re-visiting them mid-car journey; eating a dead mouse in one gulp; digging up the slug traps in the vegetable garden and drinking the value lager; numerous small animal and bird incidents; snake hunting; fridge and bin raiding and food/drink theft, all in this category.

Now the only problem with this type of bad behaviour is that it sometimes risks personal harm. I once got out through the gates and onto the main road, which threatened not only my well-being but that of 'Her Indoors' who was in hot pursuit. She was so stressed that even the motorists sensed it and ground to a halt. Danger averted, I led 'Her Indoors' on a merry dance before she caught me as it seemed a shame not to have a bit of fun when you've got a captive audience. I knew 'Her Indoors' was cross anyway so what did I stand to loose? Still, for the benefit of any juniors reading this, just be careful about putting yourself or your family in any danger, we don't have nine lives, that's cats.....

Then there's the minor misdemeanours; a kind of background level of misbehaviour that keeps 'Them Indoors' on their toes. The other evening was a good case in point. Normally, once the edibles are safely consumed, I join the family in the lounge. In order to do this, I have to go past the dining room and I usually investigate. This involves sticking my nose into everything I can reach, even if I have to jump. I have a good root around in the storage baskets and employ the chew first, think later principle. I also try and get into the study to empty and shred the waste paper basket contents and the cloakroom, to investigate the loo. I like to get upstairs, a dog-free zone, if I possibly can. Now I might be a senior but, given the opportunity, I can run upstairs quicker than you can shout 'naughty dog'. Having finally been confined to the lounge, I conduct a thorough investigation which usually involves squeezing around or under the telephone table and knocking the phone off, trying to climb onto 'Him Indoors' lap and/or the sofa, rooting around in 'Her Indoors' knitting trug which at the moment has some particularly attractive and expensive rare breed wool in it. It smells of sheep, what can I tell you! Anyway, 'Her Indoors' is good at unravelling things. Then there's my party piece, which particularly annoys 'Him Indoors', wiping my eye boggies off on the carpet! When I eventually settle on my beanie bag, I indulge in lots of noisy paw licking and snoring, and when 'Them Indoors' want to go to bed, I refuse point blank to move and have to be enticed outside into the garden for my nightly ablutions, with a treat!  It's quite an impressive catalogue and I repeat it with variations to keep it interesting, every night.

'Him Indoors' reckons I'm the naughtiest dog in the world, and even 'Her Indoors' has nicknamed me 'bad ass Rolo' although I'm not sure my ass is any naughtier than the rest of me unless I'm suffering indiscretions in the emissions department. Still, it stops me from being boring and gives 'Him Indoors' something to moan about now that he's no longer got teenagers. So watch and learn you pupsters out there, there's a proud Border Terrier tradition to uphold. I've spent a life time perfecting the art, so if you need any tips, you know where to come!

P.S In order to offer a token recompense, I'm helping 'Her Indoors' with her crowd funding to raise money for writing for well-being classes at St Peter and St James's Hospice Well-being Centre. So far, I've raised £100 and she's raised, in her own right, well....nothing...! So come on Pals, turn me into St Rolo and dig into your pockets for a worthy cause.

Could I be a 'good boy'?

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