Sunday, 6 September 2015

Bathing Blues

'Her Indoors' has given me another bath.  I don't like water.  I am a terrier and the name comes from the Latin 'terra' meaning 'of the earth'.  There's no mention of the wet stuff.  Still, I knew it was coming after that little bunny snacking incident in the week.  Without going into the sordid details, my beard was a little the worse for wear, and the efforts of 'Her Indoors' with a piece of damp kitchen roll, didn't quite get rid of the lingering odour....Anyway, I'm a pragmatic dog so I believe in bowing to the inevitable, but there are a few little tips on how to mitigate the unpleasantness, that I'd like to pass on to less experienced canines:

  • Try to avoid a bath where possible by watching out for the warning signs.  These can be quite subtle such as a little nose wrinkling when in close proximity, or indicated by some particular words such as 'pongy' and 'wiffy' dropped casually into ordinary conversation.  Then there's the gathering of the equipment.  The baby bath for indoor ablutions is easy to spot, but the watering can for summer showers, has a generally more benign application so it can be difficult to register sinister intent.  Dog shampoo only has one purpose however, so if you see it, run and hide!
  • Try to be as awkward as possible whilst being bathed.  I favour a rigid stance and, if there's any room for manoeuvre, wedging myself in somewhere to minimise access to all regions.
  • Look as miserable as it is possible to look.  Droop you ears and tail and practise your most baleful stare.  The indignity of it all - how dare they!
  • Wait until you've been fully lathered up and your bather is close by, before giving a really good shake.  If you're indoors, see how far you can get those little soapy droplets to travel so they have to clean the bathroom when you've finished.
  • No matter how warm the water, shiver violently, during and after.
  • Whatever happens, don't let them near you with a hairdryer; you'll end up looking like a bottle brush.
  • Enjoy the rubbing down with a nice towel but try not to let on that any part of the experience is pleasurable.
  • Watch out for cameras.  I don't know why, but photographing your dog's bath and posting it on social media, seems all the rage, as Eric the Border Terrier knows only too well after that photo with the shower hat and rubber duck that we'll kindly draw a veil over.....
  • Keep well away from the washing machine.  'Her Indoors' completes the process by putting my mattress, collar, harness and lead in there and I worry that it's only a matter of time before I'm put in on a hot wash with a bio-tab and disinfectant instead of fabric softener.
  • And when the whole sordid process is over, escape as soon as possible and find something to roll in to get rid of the smell.  You don't want to be mistaken for a French Poodle, unless of course you are one.  I hope this helps Pals.... 
Outdoor ablutions....

Look as miserable as possible.....

The only fun bit but don't let on you're enjoying it!

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